When the Inquisitor's Away, the Pranksters Will Play
by FlaxenHairedSamurai
Summary: When the Inquisitor's cousin shows up and starts making life miserable, it falls to an unlikely duo to keep him in check.


This is for the lovely Zenyodel, who was promised this story back in July, and has been kind and patient enough to wait through two ear infections, a residential trip and a journey of self discovery deep in the mountains of the Himalayas.

One of those is a lie. Can you tell which?

* * *

The nobles that clustered in the great hall, hoping for a glimpse of the Inquisitor were a constant source of confusion for Cole. They milled about like butterflies garbed in silk and masks, and most never seemed to actually do anything to help. A few of them met with Josephine to discuss money or another form of aid, but even they would stand about waiting for Evelyn, ignorant as she slipped past them with apologies. It was only when she sat on her throne that they ever seemed to see her.

Was it the masks? Did they make it hard to see anyone who wasn't wearing one? Was that why Evelyn always took a second to put hers on before judgements? He'd tried asking her, but she'd politely asked him not to pry, and he'd listened.

Lord Albrecht Trevelyan however, Cole was certain about. He had arrived the previous day, with no warning past a scout seeing his party at the mountain's base. By the time the message was relayed to Skyhold, it was too late to assemble a proper greeting party, and those who were available evidently did not meet his expectations. With a sniff, he'd demanded to see his cousin, and refused to accept that that was slightly impossible since she was in the Western Approach.

"I shall however send our fastest messenger out to her party." Josephine had promised, making a note to do just that. Cole hoped she would wait at least a little while though, since Baron Plucky had only gotten in a few hours ago. He needed his rest.

The assurance did nothing for Albrecht however, the lord simply snorting and moving for the great hall, leaving Josephine to hurry after him. Watching the rest of the party leap to follow their lead, Cole felt a frown coming, the urge only deepening when he turned to look at Albrecht. He'd heard the stories about the Inquisitor's cousin, and the trouble he kept causing for her. But deep, deep beneath the resentment and embarrassment, under the ' _Blasted girl, what was she thinking?'_ Cole sensed love for Evelyn.

And then Albrecht saw all the nobles in the hall, preening to look their best for the Inquisitor's return, and the tiny shred of love was devoured once more.

* * *

The day after Albrecht's arrival went no better. Where the man went, misery followed, keeping Cole on his toes. Complaints echoed the corridors, the servants began wondering if they could get away with refusing to serve him, and Cullen almost started a duel with Albrecht after the lord had been overheard insulting Evelyn's leadership (this after he had barged into a war meeting). This time, Josephine had been on hand to defuse the situation, but you didn't have to be a spirit to know that their ambassador was close to her own breaking point.

And Evelyn, who had requested to be consulted on any matters involving her many relatives, was still in the Approach with Bull, Dorian and Solas. Upon hearing their situation (Thanks to the Baron's second in command, Comte Beaky), she had promised to turn around at once, but they were still days out.

Cole, quite frankly, wasn't sure Skyhold would last that long.

He mulled the matter over as much as he could between soothing everyone that Albrecht had offended, but the answer was kind enough to come to him, in the shape of Josephine's preferred runner as she stood outside Sera's door. The scene was familiar to him, since it happened about once a week, twice if Sera had been particularly productive, but this time, Cole felt the beginnings of an idea taking shape.

It would require work, and plenty of equipment, but he was sure it was manageable, and that Skyhold would provide what he needed. No, the real problem was going to be getting everyone involved to agree and cooperate.

* * *

As a rule, Sera tried to avoid Josephine's office. Yes, she and Evelyn had pulled that prank, and it was still hilarious to think that Josephine had chased them for five minutes before giving up and putting Cassandra on the case. But Cassandra had eventually caught them, and the resulting lecture had been dull enough to make Sera think twice about ever targeting Josephine again in the near future.

As another rule, she tried to keep Cole at a distance, preferably one the size of Orlais. Admittedly such a thing was only possible when she or he went out with Evelyn, but she grudgingly accepted that he wasn't going to move out of the loft any time soon (thankfully he'd come around to having his own room in the keep, which put him at a more acceptable distance at night).

Therefore, it was a strange set of circumstances that saw her not only in Josephine's office, but with Cole's hand still around her wrist. He'd politely waited for her to answer the door to her room, but after that all bets were off, and the two rogues were standing in front of Josephine's desk before she could tell him to piss off. That being said, for once he was speaking her language.

Considering what he'd just suggested, Sera yanked her hand free, barely listening to his apology, "You want me to pull a few pranks on Lord 'Up-His-Own'?"

Cole nodded cheerfully, apparently ignorant to Josephine burying her head in her hands across the table, "Yes, not ones to hurt him, just to make him see."

"See what?"

"You and the Inquisitor played tricks so that people would know she was real, and you play them on nobles to make others realise they're real too. Albrecht thinks that if the Inquisitor's not real, then he isn't either, but he doesn't know."

Blinking slowly, Sera turned to Josephine to see if she had any idea, but the ambassador was now shaking her head as well, offering no help. With an annoyed groan, the archer turned back to the beaming boy waiting for her answer, "Try that again. This time, try to make it make sense."

"Personally I thought it made perfect sense." Vivienne's voice made them all turn around, Sera's eyes almost bulging out of their skull at the sight of the mage off her perch. Tutting at her expression, the former First Enchanter came into the office proper, "My dear girl, close your mouth or you'll catch flies. As for what the demon was trying to say-"

"I'm not a spirit anymore." Cole reminded quietly. Madame de Fer had been the hardest for Evelyn to convince, and it had come to be one of those 'agree to disagree' subjects that the Inquisitor seemed to collect.

Surprisingly though, Vivienne just closed her eyes for a second before continuing like she hadn't been interrupted, "I believe it was obvious. Albrecht doesn't realise the Inquisitor is actually liked for her human qualities, her 'realness' as…" She took another second before saying his name, "Cole puts it. Likewise, your pranks on the other nobles, while ill advised, do help those below them see them as flawed creatures as well. By attacking their pride, you keep morale below stairs relatively high, and those of the nobility who do come to visit know to stay on their best behaviour regardless of the audience."

Nodding along, Sera turned back to Cole, "So what, you want his pride to get knocked so he stops knocking everyone else about?" When he nodded eagerly, Sera hummed thoughtfully, "That's great and all, but there's one thing I have to ask. Why are we talking about this in front of Josephine?"

"I was about to ask that myself." Josephine admitted weakly. Lifting her head from her hands, she regarded the three in front of her, "Cole, I understand what you want to do, but I doubt pranking him with have much effect. If anything, I'll think he'll be on guard for us to deliberately rile him up after what happened at the ball."

"But-"

"Ambassador Montilyet!" The door to Josephine's office swung open, smacking off the wall and bouncing back to just narrowly avoid smacking Albrecht in the face. The groan from Sera was quiet enough for him to not have heard, but Cole wasn't sure Albrecht would've heard if she'd done it right down his ear. He did give a brief nod to Vivienne, who elegantly deflected it with a wave of her hand, right before pushing Cole out of the way so he could stand before the giant desk.

The increasingly familiar lines appeared on Josephine's forehead even as she broke into a smile, "Lord Albrecht. May I introduce Cole, Sera and Lady Vivienne? They are some of the Inquisitor's inner circle."

He didn't spare them much attention, which prevented him from seeing Sera stick her tongue out at him. Instead he quickly returned his eyes to Josephine, "Charmed. Now Lady Montilyet, I fear I have to discuss the stable's lacklustre treatment of my horse. When I visited not five minutes ago, instead of caring for his charges, one of the hands was instead carving some monstrosity!"

Opening his mouth to protest, Cole quickly snapped it shut again at Josephine's look. She kept her eyes on him even as she reached for a spare bit of parchment and began scribbling on it. "Lord Albrecht the man you're referring to is Ser Blackwall. He doesn't actually work in the stables." She finished her writing, blowing on it quickly to dry the ink. "Sera, could you do me a favour and deliver this message to Cullen and Leliana? I don't want them to get the wrong end of the stick."

"Sure." Stepping forward to take the note, Sera scanned the few lines, face breaking into a grin. "Don't worry, I'll make sure they get it."

It was Cole's turn to be dragged from a room by his wrist, Sera practically yanking his arm out of its socket. Vivienne followed after a second to make sure Josephine didn't need her aid. Rather than heading back to her balcony, she plucked the note from Sera's hands, holding it so Cole could read it too.

 _Any pranks played on Albrecht Trevelyan from your receiving of this to his departure are to be excused, and Cole and Sera to be given any aid they need._

The signature at the bottom was as artistic as ever, with only slightly more pressure applied than normal. There were so many official papers and orders that had been decorated with the Inquisition's seal, when it was really Josephine's signature that held the most power.

Staring at it a while longer, Vivienne finally handed it back, "I'd show that to Cassandra as well. No doubt she'd have something to say about the brief moments of chaos we're likely to be experiencing. As long as you leave my equipment alone, I'm sure I can supply you with a few foul smelling mixtures."

With that she left them, parting the crowd of nobles effortlessly. Left in her wake, Cole and Sera traded a look before hurrying towards the rookery.

* * *

Varric wasn't sure how he was going to frame Albrecht's visit in the book. As a visiting relative, his presence was supposed to hint at the life Evelyn had before the Inquisition. People liked their heroes to have a life before their adventures, because it made it more feasible that maybe one day, they too could save the world.

He wasn't too convinced though that Albrecht would be that helpful towards the narrative he was slowly building up. So far all that Varric had been able to conclude was that while he and Evelyn were different from most noble he had had the displeasure of meeting, they lay at very different ends of the spectrum.

So far, it seemed that he would just have to make Albrecht a comical footnote in Evelyn's history. As he considered the perfect lead up to his explosion at the ball Cullen had told him about, the author's problems cleared themselves up neatly.

Well, as neatly as they could be, when one considered that the solution was Albrecht Trevelyan storming through the great hall in bright pink livery. Not a single patch of cloth had been missed, with the colour even making its way onto his skin in some places where the dye was still wet. It was unfortunate that the colour didn't quite match the purple tone his face was turning (a brilliant colour in itself), but for once the assembled Orlesians were too busy cackling to comment on the fashion disaster in their midst.

Laughing in disbelief himself, Varric looked towards Vivienne's balcony, hoping she wasn't missing this. Sure enough, the Senior Enchanter was leaning on her railing, but rather than amusement, her smirk was one of triumph, and only deepened when Albrecht was sent cursing from Josephine's office, apparently unaware that she'd taken the afternoon off.

Perhaps this part of the story wouldn't be so hard after all.

* * *

It took less than a day for news of Albrecht's misfortune to spread through Skyhold, and slightly longer than that for the laundry staff to wash the dye out for him. For once though, they went about the task without muttering death threats. After all, no servant had been near Albrecht's wardrobe since it had been unpacked, and his valet had worked for the man for years without such an incident. For once, Albrecht couldn't find anyone to blame, and Lady Vivienne had been kind enough to provide them with a mixture that practically vanished the offensive shade on contact.

What was really raising everyone's spirits though was the simple knowledge that something had been started, and when one of the culprits made themselves known to those below stairs, they knew that it would been seen through to the very end.

* * *

Just because he was an idiot, Albrecht wasn't suicidal. The first time he had tried to complain to Cassandra, she'd shut him down with a glare before continuing to attack her dummy. The second time, she had been lectured by Josephine about 'niceness before knives', but it had gotten the desired result. Albrecht didn't bother her, and her proximity stopped Albrecht from bothering Morris and his assistants.

That didn't mean she wasn't in a hurry for him to pack his bags and leave. And that definitely didn't mean she wasn't interested in seeing what Cole and Sera did next.

She kept as close eye on the two as she could without giving them away, but they both acted as innocently as new born children, which was suspicious in itself. But after a couple of days, her patience was richly rewarded.

Albrecht was strutting through the courtyard towards the Herald's Rest. She had no idea why, seeing as the Chargers that had been left behind had made it quite clear that he wasn't welcome in there, after he had harassed Cabot for not having the very specific bottle of wine that he had been craving at that very moment.

Movement on the battlements caught her attention, Krem waving frantically at her, even as a swarm of people emerged from the Iron Bull's room. Eyes narrowing, Cassandra only got the message when Krem pointed first to the tavern and then to the quickly approaching Albrecht.

"Lord Albrecht!" He stopped dead in his tracks, head swiftly turning her way even as his face paled, clearly wondering what he had done this time. Sheathing her sword, Cassandra planted a friendly smile onto her face, fighting the urge to chuckle when it only made a few beads of sweat appear in his forehead, "I was wondering whether a few of your entourage would be making an appearance at training?"

"Ah, the Commander made it seem as though we wouldn't be welcome." Albrecht shrugged. "But if you're saying he's changed his mind…"

Thankfully his back was to the battlements, meaning the sparks Dalish sent up from her 'bow' went unnoticed. Deepening her smile, Cassandra gave a shrug of her own, "I will ask him. After all, the Inquisitor asked us to make you feel as welcome as possible. Consider this a new leaf."

"Thank you, Lady Pentaghast." Tone clearly indicating he still wasn't completely certain his head was safe, Albrecht continued on his way to the tavern, brain too busy reeling from her sudden change in personality to question why everything was so quiet.

Later, Cassandra would wonder what excuse Cole and Sera had concocted to get him to the tavern, or what they had bribed Cabot with for him to allow them to turn the building into the world's biggest stink bomb. At that exact moment in time though, she was too busy trying to get clear, only just making it before the first vial dropped.

* * *

Even with her nose plugged, the lingering smell was enough to make Sera heave as she clambered onto her spot on the roof. She would definitely be taking Dagna up on her room share offer. Cole was already waiting for her there, a plate of cookies in his hands. Thanks to him, she was looking forward to a good few days of heavy scrubbing, and general dogs-bodying for Cabot. And yet, the look on Albrecht's face as the pong registered would stick with her for a long time.

Staring at the plate for a second longer, Sera scooped a few into one hand, moving to dangle her legs over the edge, "Do you think he's getting the message?"

Chewing on his own biscuit, Cole tilted his head a little before swallowing. "The laughter is helping him, but he doesn't know that yet. He keeps thinking of Evelyn, thinking of what she stole."

"Huh." Mulling on that for a minute or two, Sera bit into another cookie, for once too busy to concern herself with how good it tasted. "What _did_ she steal?"

"He keeps changing it." Brushing himself free of crumbs and putting the plate to one side, Cole stared at the main keep, easily picking out the light that belonged to Albrecht's window. "I don't think we need to do a lot more before he realises he's real, like everybody else is."

"Well, lucky for you, I still have a few ideas."

* * *

Skyhold was first and foremost a stronghold for the Inquisition. Yes, there were nobles strutting about the place, yes they had a full decorating team and yes, they had a pair of goats who had no issue ramming anybody who messed with their dinner. But if there was one place the militaristic nature came through, it was in the kitchens, where preparing enough food to feed everyone left little room for creativity.

Every now and again though, a trade contact would come through, and the menu got a little variety added to it. Tonight, enough seafood had been able to get up the mountain for the cooks to crack open a book of Antivan recipes. It wouldn't be anything grand, but the announcement from the kitchens, and the Inquisitor's promise that they were just a few more days out erased the final frown lines on Josephine's face. Glad to see their ambassador back to herself, Blackwall happily took his seat in the dining hall, only to immediately realise he was probably about to become a witness to Sera and Cole's next step.

He glanced about, trying to spot whatever trap they had in wait this time, and what his escape route would be.

"I'd be careful with that dish, Lord Albrecht." Josephine cautioned with a hint of teasing to her tone, indicating some sort of puffer fish that he'd just been about to help himself to. "Throwing a friendly look to their server, she added, "If prepared incorrectly, the smallest bite contains enough poison to kill you twice over."

They hadn't…Had they? Blackwall sent a worried look towards the prankster pair, unable to hide a sigh of relief when they seemed genuinely surprised by Josephine's words. Cole even poked the small portion he had taken, nudging it away from the rest of his meal, while Sera reached across to take the wine pitcher from Albrecht, a generous portion going into her goblet. Realising the effect of her words, Josephine hurriedly covered her mouth, wasting no time to assure everyone that she was sure it was safe. It wasn't until she crammed her own piece into her mouth that anybody was brave enough to reach for their cutlery again though.

Had he not been distracted by their ambassador's near failure, Blackwall might've noticed the sharp glare he was being sent by Albrecht, the calculating mind possessed by every noble hard at work. All the same, it didn't stop him from swallowing a hefty amount of Rivaini spice that had mysteriously appeared in his wine. Cole helpfully poured him a glass of milk, which Albrecht snatched without so much as a thank you.

The ensuing laughter was much quieter than before, and after a moment's hesitation, Albrecht joined in, but it was bitter, just as every other time they had heard the sound.

* * *

Feeding the pair of goats they had rescued was one of those chores that could double as a punishment (Or as a few new agents had discovered to their embarrassment, a favourite hazing ritual). The paddock Dennet had set aside for them was their territory, and Cole had met bears that were friendlier to travellers than Granny and Grandpa were. The second you stepped over the fence, your backside was marked as a target, and Grandpa had a nasty aim.

That's why Cole was never stupid enough to come empty handed. And after last time, he definitely wasn't bringing his hat again.

Granny's beady eye followed him and his overflowing bucket with a suspicious glare, while Grandpa began pawing at the ground, locking on. Pausing only to give him a friendly smile, Cole reached the middle trough, upending the bucket full of mint, elfroot and other nice smelling herbs that had been mixed into their usual feed.

Considering the offering, Grandpa gave a conceding bleat and joined Granny at the trough. Waiting until he was certain they were content, Cole sank down to the grass, stroking both goats as he filled them in on the news. "The Inquisitor's coming home today. Sera thinks she'll make Albrecht go away, but now that he's real again, Evelyn might let him stay a little longer."

"You there!" All three heads turned to look at the fence, the goats marking Albrecht's colourful and well made coat as potential dessert. "Cole, wasn't it? Lady Montilyet said you'd be able to help me with something."

Blinking with surprise, Cole bid the goats a quick goodbye, making it halfway to the gate before he had to sidestep Grandpa's half hearted ram. He didn't hold it against the goat, reputations were very important, as the man in front of him proved.

Albrecht didn't say a word as Cole clambered back over the fence, simply jerking his head in the direction they needed to go, and setting off at a brisk stride. It made Cole frown as he jogged to return the bucket to the store shed before hurrying to catch up. Just as he seemed to be real again, the mask came back. Why would he want to hold onto to something so horrible for so long?

Still offering no information whatsoever, Albrecht led Cole through the main keep until he finally found what he was looking for. The corridor was filled with scaffolding and tools, but no work crew, and if he had to guess, there wouldn't be until lunch was over and done with. Perhaps with the Herald's Rest still airing out, the dining hall would actually fill up for once.

Ensuring that they were definitely alone, Albrecht took a steadying breath before his hands shot out to slam Cole into one of the supports by his shirt front. Winded, Cole was too busy coughing to stop Albrecht from leaning in close, voice dropping to a hiss, "I suppose this is all a game to you, isn't it? You and that knife-ear have had a grand time making a spectacle of me, but that stops now!"

"It wasn't for fun," Cole protested, getting pushed into the support again for his troubles. He could've reversed their situation easily, since Albrecht clearly wasn't one of the Templar bound Trevelyans, not with such a weak grip. But this hadn't been about who was stronger, only that you shouldn't take advantage of what power you did have. He got the idea that Albrecht wouldn't want to hear that though, "Pranks make people smile, make them remember we're the same."

"I will never be the same as you. I am Lord Albrecht Trevelyan, and you are just a street rat that my cousin took pity on." Sneering, Albrecht adjusted his grip slightly, "There is more power in my little finger than you will ever hold!"

Movement further down the corridor drew Cole's eye, his hands flying up to wrap around Albrecht's wrists and twisting hard. Before the noble could even splutter, he was flying backwards, the two arrows flying harmlessly through the gap that had been created. Landing on his rear with an undignified oof, Albrecht looked from the projectiles to Cole, before finally turning his head with a growl, "Who dares…"

"What'd you shove him for?" Sera demanded angrily, moving to one side to let her partner go into the corridor proper. "They were warning shots!"

"Yours was." As his situation became crystal clear, Albrecht's face drained itself of colour, and for good reason. Dusty from the desert and the road, armour nicked and dull, more hair out of the tie than in. But it was undeniably the mask of the Inquisitor that Evelyn wore, the ties only slipping when she looked towards Cole, satisfying herself that there had been no lasting harm.

"Ah, cousin…you're back." Scrambling to his feet, Albrecht pulled himself as tall as he could, putting several inches between he and Evelyn, but still shrinking, "I can't wait to tell you what's been happening since I arrived. These pests-"

"Are members of my inner circle and my personal friends." Evelyn snarled, "And even were they not, that does not excuse your behaviour towards Cole just now, nor the disgraceful reports I have been receiving in the field!"

"Evelyn, _Inquisitor-_ "

"For once in your life Albrecht, will you shut up and listen?!" He did so, lips smacking together with an almost comical sound. "In the short space of time you have been here, an alliance that we previously thought impossible was formed purely to make you as miserable as you make others. Were it not for me requesting to handle you myself, I have no doubts that you would've been seen back to the mountain base in a day." Taking a breath at last, Evelyn let her mask drop, shoulders dropping with tiredness. The road had been long, and all she wanted was her bath and bed. "Just go, Albrecht. Go back to your quarters, or stay out here, I don't care. Just don't think you'll get away with treating my staff the way you have been. Tomorrow, we'll talk properly."

Refusing to look at her cousin any longer, Evelyn turned on her heel, bow returning to its place on her back. With a last, knowing look at Albrecht, Cole hurried to follow, waiting until they were out of earshot before clearing his throat, "We didn't use bees."

Evelyn laughed, "I know, Cole."

"Nobody was hurt."

"I know."

"Your arrow was a warning too. You trusted me to push him away." The whispered accusation made the Inquisitor pause in the hallway, fingers twitching at her side. "Under the masks you love each other, but the masks won't let you show it."

Oh yes, she really wanted her bed. For now, Evelyn settled for rubbing her forehead, thinking of the words to use. "Albrecht and I grew up as pawns of the family name, knowing that if we wanted more power, then the best way was to ally with, or take it from other pawns. He is nothing but a bully that is always testing to see what he can get away with. As children, it was easier to give in and let him tug my braid or tease me, but I won't let him do that to my friends." Finding the aching point, she gave it another, harder rubs, hoping to chase it away for now. "But yes, somewhere under that mess, we love each other, because in the end, we were raised together, and that gives you very little choice in the matter."

Understanding, Cole let Evelyn return to the main hall, watching as she brought her mask back up. All the nobles saw was their beloved Inquisitor, all smile and mirth as she tried to steer the crowd to her tower door, where she'd be free again.

* * *

It's perhaps unnecessary to say that the next day saw Albrecht and his men at Skyhold's gate, saddled and ready to go. The reception he had expected on his arrival now belonged to his departure, crowds gathering to wish them a safe journey, with Evelyn front and centre.

Eager to watch his disgrace up close, Vivienne hadn't objected to Cole borrowing her balcony briefly. From here, he could pick out everyone, from the Chargers, who were explaining everything to their leader with as many hand gestures as possible, to Josephine, who was sharing a satisfied nod with Cullen and Leliana. They were already on their way back to what constituted normal within the Inquisition, and Albrecht wasn't even out of the gate yet.

"Oy Creepy, what're you doing way up here?" Sera blinked at the plate of cookies resting next to Cole's elbow before rolling her eyes and joining him. Taking the biggest one she could see, she nodded to where Albrecht was nudging his horse forwards, finally passing under the gates again, "Would've thought you'd want a front row seat to the last act."

"No, I can see from here. Albrecht leaving makes everyone happy again." Cole couldn't tell what Evelyn had said to Albrecht before he had slunk from Josephine's borrowed office, politely requesting his servants pack his things back up again. The shock had clung to them until the very last minute, when he had snapped at them to hurry up. He did know that Sera would be passing word to one of her red friends near his estate, and that Evelyn was drafting a letter to her father, politely requesting he limit Albrecht's treks to Skyhold in the future.

He also knew, though with less certainty, that a last letter of complaint would probably be finding its way to Evelyn or Josephine at a later point in the day, when Albrecht will have found the bottle of bees Sera had slipped into his saddle bag when nobody was looking.

Well, almost nobody. But he somehow doubted that Albrecht's valet was about to spoil the surprise for his master.


End file.
